A Song with Meaning

Ties back to my blog title

If Today was Your Last Day
By Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Credits: vimeo.com

Looking for Me

When you're the only righteous person someone will probably ever meet.

Was at the Archi building this morning, after settling stuff at the post office. Reminded me of my friend W. A few months ago he asked for help with his work. I helped twice I think.

One of those days, in the computer lab, each of us working on a desktop, he asked for prayer. He wanted to pass his coursework. No, not a ritualistic, stereotypical prayer request with lots of big words. I was speaking normal language with him, West Malaysian-dialect Malay. I wasn't laying hands on him. And I wasn't closing my eyes. Neither was he. It felt like just another honest conversation. I said, "Aku doakan ko dapat honours lagi" (meaning: not just a pass).

A few days ago he told me:

hey creski..sorry lambat balas msg u ...
my result ok la... semua ada H ...thanks man...

It taught me a few things: Prayer is powerful; talking with God is easy; prophecy can happen in the most un-dramatic settings (in the natural world...who knows how bizarre things are in the supernatural); I would faithfully do what I'm meant to do when it comes from the heart, from within. I'm very happy for him.

And God, The God of Mercy said: See, lot's of people are looking for Me.

...Turned around

After the sad news.

The SMS from Dad arrived at 5.03 am Melbourne time. My aunt passed away. When people ask me whether I'm close to her, I'd say not personally, but I'm close to her kids - my cousins. Her son (eldest), at the age of 13, was the first to teach me guitar. Her first daughter was my closest cousin during my primary and secondary school years, probably because only the two of us were similar in age and lived in the city. Her youngest daughter is probably my little sister's favourite childhood friend.

It's the first day of 4th semester for me, and I'm surely excited to learn Neuroscience. But today was perhaps a day of mixed feelings. Maybe it began yesterday at 5.16 pm when Mom called me and told me the urgent news that Auntie was hospitalised.

When I woke up today and saw the message on my phone, I turned to the wall and cried out to God. I was shocked. It's the 3rd death back home since I came to Melbourne. My grandma (Dad's mom) passed away earlier this year, just before third sem started. One of the kids in Sunday School died in a monsoon drain last year, when he was about 8 years old. God, this makes me sad.

I told this to a friend while on the train ride just now. Can't believe how liberating it is! I always see people quoting: shared joy is double joy, shared sorrow is half sorrow. Yes, indeed. My mood is turned around. I see the meaning in life once again.

I see God as the source of all happiness. He gives purpose in all that I do. The music that I make with my acoustic guitar is meaningful because of who He is to me - hey, isn't He the originator of all creativity? My intellectual pursuit in learning about neurological diseases - e.g. a kid who can't straighten his ring and little finger, and has trouble clenching it - is made enjoyable. Why? Because I realise that God gave this work to me - the task to study, understand and eventually treat people who are sick. My exercise and workout is made worthwhile, because I'm tweaking this flesh that I have for tip-top physical (and mental) function - for His work.

It's all because of Him.

Medical Staff "Hierarchy"

Just another random blogspot post.

What is the hierarchy of the medical staff? What is their level of training? E.g intern, resident, registrar, fellow, consultant, staff specialist, visiting medical officer.

Intern - postgraduate 1 year
Resident - postgraduate 1-3 years usually
Registrar - postgraduate 4 years or more
Fellow - usually a senior registrar
Consultant - someone who is a qualified specialist
Staff specialist - a specialist who is employed at least half time by hospital
Visiting medical officer - specialist mainly in private practice employed for a varying number of hours/week to come into the hospital

Source: UTAS (University of Tasmania) website

Planning my years?

Thought about it, but never really wrote much about it.

Was just talking with a friend about my "timeline" of studying/working while walking back home just now. Also celebrated another friend's 20th birthday for dinner. Makes me think a bit about my time here on earth.

Found in an Excel spreadsheet in my laptop, written 2 years ago:

17...finish SPM
18...start IB
19.........|
20...finish IB
21...start Medic, 1st year
22...2nd year
23...3rd year
24...4th year.....Publish book?
25...5th year
26...6th year
27...finish Medic, Housemanship 1
28...Housemanship 2.....KAHWIN
29...Medic officer
30...Start Masters?
31...........|
32...........|
33...Finish Masters? Some FRCS
34...Some FRCS
35...Some FRCS
36
37
38
39
40

As you can see, I've got some blanks and "?" there. People say we gotta have flexibility. But the funny thing is what I planned to do when I'm 28. Why 28? Well, for one thing it makes sense, because I plan to get married after (not before) graduating from Med. Of course it can be 29, 30 or after that too. But I just happened to like 28 because 28 = 4 x 7. And I like 7. =)

But honestly, it's not like I'm holding onto this like some unbreakable rule book. The Masters and FRCS are not even certain...so why do I even have it there? I guess it's copycat-ing other doctors who normally have their names as: Dr. Ikserc Mloclam, MBBS/BMedSc, MS, FRCS. Hahah. I'd actually like to have some nice letters behind my name, but if you ask me why, I don't really know. Actually I'm starting to question my own motive now. Hmmm, if I can get the longest letters behind my name and still can't save a life, what good is it?

The only sure thing is that I'm still in undergraduate medicine, now in 2nd half of 2nd year. I'm almost certain that I'll finish the whole 6 years. If not, I might stop at year 3-and-a-half (Sem 7), that's after my Parkinson's research is done. And that's only if The Big Boss tells me to stop.

Now to reality mode, it's gonna be back-to-school for me tomorrow. Can't wait to meet new people in my PBL group!

Picture credit: AlphaMom.com

That's Why

Let Dad = God

Creski..: Dad, what should I do now?
Dad.....: Can’t you just listen to me?

Creski..: What do you mean, listen to you? I thought I’ve been listening.
Dad.....: Your mind is somewhere else.

Creski..: *Bell rings* Umm, what do you mean? I was reading your book just now.
Dad.....: But you were thinking about your plan to study. Your schedule.

Creski..: You’re right.
Dad.....: Now, I know that you have a timetable to cover what you need to cover. But you know what, I can make you learn in 1 hour what you’d normally take 1 day.

Creski..: Yes.
Dad.....: So listen to me. I know you’re behind schedule, but if you leave me to catch up with time, you’re going to be even further behind.

Creski..: Yeah, you’re right.
Dad.....: It’s easy to do it all when everything’s on time. But you know what, even when it’s not, you gotta seek me first.

Creski..: Even when…(thinks at a faster speed than typed out words)
Dad.....: Yes, even when you’ve got an appointment to meet another person. Because you gotta meet me first, right?

Creski..: *Note strikes* Hmmm…
Dad.....: That’s why your mornings have been so blessed. Because you gave the first portion to me. And I take care of the rest.

Creski..: Wonderful, that’s a lesson I’d wanna keep and type out.
Dad.....: Very good.

Age of Ice

How a movie speaks my mind.

But before that,
LZ said:

Not trying to ask you to fool around, but, why not give yourself and her a chance, if both of you are fond of each other?

To answer your question, I think, yes, perhaps I am going to give it a chance. But it's not K anymore; it's N who really attracts me now (no idea how she feels about me though).

Anyway...
Adventure. That's what the movie's about. That's what kids are about too. And that's what I like about kids: their sense of wanting to explore and discover all that they could. The world is so huge, there is surely something new that no-one has dreamed about before--and that's what you're living for.

I like this guy. You can see him testing his full sprinting speed in the pic. That's his sense of adventure, and I think most early 20s guys like trying out how much they can handle: how fast can they run, how heavy they can bench-press, how much money they can make, how many DotA games can they win, how much knowledge of science they can acquire, how many people can they lead, etc. But he has one dilemma, and that is being vulnerable, falling in love, having a family, and settling down. The question is, can you still have a great adventure even while you're attached to someone? How? (Yes, and that's my own big question now too)

Hah, the fierce-looking guy in the middle is another Adventurer. Just when he could leave Dino World and enter the land of Ice Age, he chose to turn back and destroy the way out forever. He lives for risk and for danger, and that is to ride on Rudy (the largest T-rex dino) like a wild horse. A bit like Pirates of the Carribbean 3, where the guy (Orlando Bloom--William?) got stuck in the seas. And hey, this guy has a patch too!

Creativity. The little rodents in the movie flew on this pterodactyl like a jet fighter!

So what's the adventure? It's to rescue their friend Sid from this huge T-rex (which is actually smaller than Rudy).

Humour. Sid stuck in the dino's nostril. I found it so funny I couldn't possibly write out how I feel!

These two squirrels/whatever they are, are like a mini-drama that runs along the main storyline, and I couldn't help laughing at their wordless acts!

Video credit: vids.myspace.com

A Physical Relationship [III]

Short and sweet.

Armstrong said:

No knocked ups please... :D

Sadly I don't know what that means...guess it's got to do with my post titles?

Melissa (Wai Yun) asked:

by the way, can i ask u sth, can u actually like 2 girls at the same time? do u prefer any one of them? and is choosing one of them as ur partner very difficult?

Yes, I can sometimes have feelings for 2 girls at the same time. Yes, I will prefer 1 (and it may bounce btwn the 2 of them with time). Yes, it's difficult to choose. And it gets very complicated.

I've never officially "chosen" someone to be my special girlfriend/partner, so I'm still learning about that, but I have some thoughts on it. One thing I always bear in mind: I'm meant to enable, to build, to set free. Not to restrict. I try to see everything based on that background. So whatever I do, it's for that girl's God-given destiny. But how do I know that? Only God can tell. So I keep asking and seeking Him, faithfully.

Easy words to type out. But honestly it's hard to live that out. Why? Because emotions are not as reasonable as strict logic. Get what I mean? Logic says to me: I should only go for an intimate relationship if it's indeed the Maker's plan. But emotions say that I like K so much! Intensely, passionately, deeply. Whenever she's around, my whole world centres on her. Heh, I could go on and on dramatizing this, but let's not. Then why not just strip away all emotions? Because it makes us human (think about machines and robots).

It probably went on for around 4 months, a tug-of-war within me. Although it got me into some trouble, I'd like to remember it as the period of learning. Learning, as in, more meaningful than just being taught by someone (because I played my part). What's more, it's learning by experience, not just by words and thoughts.

My decision: No. It was just a physical relationship. I was attracted by the outside without taking the pain to discover what's on the inside. Looking back, it could never have happened anyway. No, not me and K.

Picture credit: silvdeetea

A Physical Relationship [II]

So what was it that I wanted?

It was intimacy. One book says: in-to-me-see. I wanted the love of a partner, a special someone whom I could hold in my arms, talk totally transparently to, and share the deep and meaningful (DNM) things in life with.

There was one more thing I wanted: someone to show off. Remember Dr House? He was once asked by Dr Cameron (the female doctor--maybe in season 2 or 3), "Why do you have me in your team?" And Dr House said, "Because you're pretty. You know, like a good decoration in the lobby." Yes, you might think this is shallow and disgusting, but that's what I had in me. A desire to (merely) impress. Call it what you want - insecurity, low self-esteem, superficiality, lust, etc. - important thing I've discovered is, it was in my heart, the root of all this confusion.

Also, I wanted everything that I was doing to be meaningful: my studies, hospital visits, band practices, church activities, blog writings, songs, and so on. Meaningful as in, appreciated by someone close to me. L was too far away, there was no way it could happen. But then there was K. I was so excited about the whole deal (which really is nothing from K's point of view because I haven't told her anything), I actually anticipated her every time my phone Inbox gets an SMS. It was ridiculous!

So I've found some of the things that I wanted. Were these good enough?

A Physical Relationship [I]

With rough ideas since Dec 08.

About a year ago I started liking this one particular girl. I'm not sure why, but after every few months, I seem to be liking someone. This one's different from the girl I knew when I was 12 - she's in another country, so I couldn't do much, you see. Let's call the near one K, and the far one L.

Anyway, back to this one, I asked myself: What makes me like K so much? She is pretty, alright, no doubt about that. But so is L. And come on, uni students in the 15-25 age range are at their best. Tonnes of them are physically attractive! And probably intellectually attractive, too. One thing that I used to think back then was, I like smarter girls - and if you're in uni, you're probably pretty smart (and just look at how many girls there are in uni). Yet I'm not in love with tonnes of girls.

Perhaps K stood out because I could talk to her. Haha, time for more own-brain exploration. I used to think that hot girls are beyond my reach...you know, like in high-school TV shows, how some guys just miss out? Suddenly K was available - we could connect with one another. Mmmm.

It went on for months. I spent a lot of time thinking about myself and K. Were we really meant to be together? And I, without any experience in romantic relationships before, became really anxious about the whole deal. Perhaps you already know what comes with it: distraction from my studies, losing focus on my assignment, saying no to my close buddies, sometimes being secretive about what's going on in my life, daydreaming, fantasizing, etc.

...I recall vividly how hard it was for me to concentrate and type out the words that I was thinking about. My mind wandered between the current point I was working on, the mark that I was targeting, my whole framework of the essay, and, what’s worst, my emotions. I couldn’t get my mind off of this one girl whom I was intensely attracted to. I didn’t tell anyone else about my feelings back then; no-one knew, except God. And I told Him how I felt (and how I felt about the fact that He already knew it anyway). I would abandon my laptop, go into my room, kneel beside my bed, and let it all out before God almighty. I talked about my essay and my thoughts towards the girl, and how they are fighting for brain space. I declared God’s supernatural power that is greater than all other forces, whether carnal or demonic. God’s Spirit always wins.

Yet I forgot a very basic question: Does K actually like me?

I became confused. Before asking her, what was it that I expected from an intimate relationship anyway? Holding hands, hugging, kissing (remember I've never had the opportunity to do this before)...well, is that it? I didn't know what I really wanted, and I wasn't even brave enough to answer that question myself. I also didn't know what K felt towards me, and was too scared to ask.

I questioned a lot about intimacy. To a few (very few, really) of my friends I shared about what I was going through. And I started observing others who are in an intimate relationship. With time, a lot of my deepest thoughts and feelings began to unravel. I discovered a lot about myself - things that I never knew about before. Some of them good, some not so good.

Stay tuned...

Picture credit: sheknows.com

Never Stop

...being obedient to what is right.

Title adapted from my last-exam-day post. I knew there was something there that would be a supply for my holiday season.

Thing is, I've had this thought of "slowing down" or "chilling" ever since holiday began about 2.5 weeks ago. Yes, I indeed have gone full-blast (or close) in the final weeks of semester. And even during the start and middle of semester, there were many occasions when I couldn't afford to slack even a bit. You know, when every hour of the day counts?

Discipline. That's one of the biggest lessons I've learned during summer before uni started. Example: house-hunting. You've gotta concentrate on advertised houses that are available, and then find out when are they open for inspection. And be there during the actual inspection itself. There were times when I had more than one inspection in one day. The 30-plus degree heat should not be an excuse.

So what do I mean by "slowing down" or "chilling"? Some ideas:

• Bringing my stress levels down a bit
• Letting go of the accelerator (Kasi lepas minyak / Not pushing myself)
• Staying in bed a bit longer than usual (which, as you may realise, ends up getting longer and longer each day)
• Thinking lazy, talking lazy, being lazy

OK, I think it does indeed have its place in life; we can't live on 19,000 RPM at all times! But you know what I've realised? Living at 1,000 RPM forever is also meaningless. It's even worse if you kill the engine (RPM=0)! The extremes don't make for a happy, fulfilling life (yes, I'm saying balance is best).

We humans have our time, our resources, our energy, our passions, our talents--all at our command, waiting to be sown.

Sowing nothing → reaping nothing. There's another word for it: wasting.

As I look into my holiday supply bag, I got an energy bar named 'Never Stop'. It reminds me that I should keep planning my days, sticking to schedules, and sometimes, especially when I don't feel like it, just push the accelerator a bit harder. O Counselor, lead me!

Episodic memory

How pictures paint our recollection.

A view from Docklands.
July 09

PlanetShakers City Church "One" Conference 09.
April 09

Fatality move. Note the 4 copies of Moore (Clinically-oriented anatomy).
April 09

A diary, a bag, & sunnies.
Dec 08

A fountain.
Dec 08

What I saw

An overdue post that I had wanted to write some time ago...

God showed it to me at least twice in Semester 2 2008, during church service. I saw two H1's in my imagination (probably what Kris Vallotton calls "visions of the mind"). I guess it's one of the ways how He communicates with us. After asking it from Him, and being shown the mental picture, I cried. Do I even deserve this?

It's not the first time God spoke to me about my exam result. Last semester's result was prophesied to me half a year earlier when I saw three H1's descending like glittering stars (also in church on Sunday...why 3? Maybe because NDM is worth 3 subjects). For my SPM - which really is the first step in my uni life journey - God spoke to me in prayer about giving me eleven A's.

So where did the result come from, me or Him? Still to this day I think there's God's part, and there's mine. It's conditional, and perhaps, it is possible for it to 'fail' in human terms. Does that mean that God is not faithful? Well, honestly, from what I've experienced about God, He's the most faithful person in the universe. Usually humans are the ones who walk away from what they've been promised. How many times has God personally said to each of the kings of Israel: "If you walk before Me as your father David walked...then I will establish the throne of your kingdom over Israel forever". And how many times have each of them not fulfilled these conditions?

Looking back over the past semester, I must say that it took a lot of hard work on my part to make the promise a reality. A lot of sacrifice. A lot of devotion. To whom? To The One, because He's the Giver of Life Abundant. The only meaning that I find in all this hard work is that it's pleasing Him, by making use of everything He's given to me - place in Med, house in Carlton, food everyday, a lot of free uncommitted time, enough money, skills to read, write, count, and solve problems, etc. Obedience to His authority is the highest form of worship, therefore I see every choice in my life on that background: am I obeying His voice right now? As long as I am (and yes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak), I consider it meaningful and worthwhile. Heck, in fact my own opinions should fade in contrast to His approval. Because the only thing that matters is what God thinks, not man.

The night before my result came out, while in bed, in my imagination I saw God putting something in my hands, and I held it tight. It was the double H1's. It's the word of God fulfilled in my life. It's from Him, and for Him only.

Seriously, if I did not choose to submit to His will for my life - if I was unwilling to give up the little mini-commitments that only distract from my direction, like the girl(s), fun in computer games, impure fantasies, etc - if I did not walk in His ways, this wouldn't have come to pass.

And now that it has, I choose what Paul chose: I turn from the past and turn to what's ahead, looking unto God, the Author and Finisher of my Faith.