A Physical Relationship [I]

With rough ideas since Dec 08.

About a year ago I started liking this one particular girl. I'm not sure why, but after every few months, I seem to be liking someone. This one's different from the girl I knew when I was 12 - she's in another country, so I couldn't do much, you see. Let's call the near one K, and the far one L.

Anyway, back to this one, I asked myself: What makes me like K so much? She is pretty, alright, no doubt about that. But so is L. And come on, uni students in the 15-25 age range are at their best. Tonnes of them are physically attractive! And probably intellectually attractive, too. One thing that I used to think back then was, I like smarter girls - and if you're in uni, you're probably pretty smart (and just look at how many girls there are in uni). Yet I'm not in love with tonnes of girls.

Perhaps K stood out because I could talk to her. Haha, time for more own-brain exploration. I used to think that hot girls are beyond my reach...you know, like in high-school TV shows, how some guys just miss out? Suddenly K was available - we could connect with one another. Mmmm.

It went on for months. I spent a lot of time thinking about myself and K. Were we really meant to be together? And I, without any experience in romantic relationships before, became really anxious about the whole deal. Perhaps you already know what comes with it: distraction from my studies, losing focus on my assignment, saying no to my close buddies, sometimes being secretive about what's going on in my life, daydreaming, fantasizing, etc.

...I recall vividly how hard it was for me to concentrate and type out the words that I was thinking about. My mind wandered between the current point I was working on, the mark that I was targeting, my whole framework of the essay, and, what’s worst, my emotions. I couldn’t get my mind off of this one girl whom I was intensely attracted to. I didn’t tell anyone else about my feelings back then; no-one knew, except God. And I told Him how I felt (and how I felt about the fact that He already knew it anyway). I would abandon my laptop, go into my room, kneel beside my bed, and let it all out before God almighty. I talked about my essay and my thoughts towards the girl, and how they are fighting for brain space. I declared God’s supernatural power that is greater than all other forces, whether carnal or demonic. God’s Spirit always wins.

Yet I forgot a very basic question: Does K actually like me?

I became confused. Before asking her, what was it that I expected from an intimate relationship anyway? Holding hands, hugging, kissing (remember I've never had the opportunity to do this before)...well, is that it? I didn't know what I really wanted, and I wasn't even brave enough to answer that question myself. I also didn't know what K felt towards me, and was too scared to ask.

I questioned a lot about intimacy. To a few (very few, really) of my friends I shared about what I was going through. And I started observing others who are in an intimate relationship. With time, a lot of my deepest thoughts and feelings began to unravel. I discovered a lot about myself - things that I never knew about before. Some of them good, some not so good.

Stay tuned...

Picture credit: sheknows.com