So what was it that I wanted?
It was intimacy. One book says: in-to-me-see. I wanted the love of a partner, a special someone whom I could hold in my arms, talk totally transparently to, and share the deep and meaningful (DNM) things in life with.
There was one more thing I wanted: someone to show off. Remember Dr House? He was once asked by Dr Cameron (the female doctor--maybe in season 2 or 3), "Why do you have me in your team?" And Dr House said, "Because you're pretty. You know, like a good decoration in the lobby." Yes, you might think this is shallow and disgusting, but that's what I had in me. A desire to (merely) impress. Call it what you want - insecurity, low self-esteem, superficiality, lust, etc. - important thing I've discovered is, it was in my heart, the root of all this confusion.
Also, I wanted everything that I was doing to be meaningful: my studies, hospital visits, band practices, church activities, blog writings, songs, and so on. Meaningful as in, appreciated by someone close to me. L was too far away, there was no way it could happen. But then there was K. I was so excited about the whole deal (which really is nothing from K's point of view because I haven't told her anything), I actually anticipated her every time my phone Inbox gets an SMS. It was ridiculous!
So I've found some of the things that I wanted. Were these good enough?
It was intimacy. One book says: in-to-me-see. I wanted the love of a partner, a special someone whom I could hold in my arms, talk totally transparently to, and share the deep and meaningful (DNM) things in life with.
There was one more thing I wanted: someone to show off. Remember Dr House? He was once asked by Dr Cameron (the female doctor--maybe in season 2 or 3), "Why do you have me in your team?" And Dr House said, "Because you're pretty. You know, like a good decoration in the lobby." Yes, you might think this is shallow and disgusting, but that's what I had in me. A desire to (merely) impress. Call it what you want - insecurity, low self-esteem, superficiality, lust, etc. - important thing I've discovered is, it was in my heart, the root of all this confusion.
Also, I wanted everything that I was doing to be meaningful: my studies, hospital visits, band practices, church activities, blog writings, songs, and so on. Meaningful as in, appreciated by someone close to me. L was too far away, there was no way it could happen. But then there was K. I was so excited about the whole deal (which really is nothing from K's point of view because I haven't told her anything), I actually anticipated her every time my phone Inbox gets an SMS. It was ridiculous!
So I've found some of the things that I wanted. Were these good enough?
1 comment:
No knocked ups please... :D
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